Monday, July 7, 2014

The Elf Who Stole Christmas

(I wrote this a couple years ago as a Facebook note, but I'm putting it on year right now just to make myself feel like I'm getting something done.)

The Elf on the Shelf. Let me be up front about this. I am not a fan of the elf.

We were given the Elf on the Shelf as a gift a few years ago (Thanks Mom. Thanks a lot.) and unfortunately, the little children like it.

The problem with the EOTS is that it puts a little pressure on the parent; I mean, you've got to move it every night, right? I can't be the only person in the world who has other things on his mind than remembering to move the elf. As the season progresses, I find myself less concerned with finding new places to hide the elf, and more concerned with finding new excuses the next day for why the elf is still in the exact same place he was yesterday. "What can I say, kids? The elf is just lazy." Or "The elf had a little too much eggnog last night and fell asleep on the bathroom floor, then woke up and crawled back to where he is now. Technically, he DID move!" Or "Look, how the hell should I know? Eat your breakfast."

This year, we got the goddamn elf out and I forgot to move it the very first day. Kids come down stairs bleary-eyed and grumpy at breakfast time, see the dirty slacker elf sitting on his can right were he was last night. There is some disappointment. Questions are asked. Answers are avoided.

Anyway, later that day, while glaring angrily at the elf's overly self-confident smile, I said to myself, "You know what? Fuck this fucking elf. Fuck him. Fuck him right in his elf-uckin' ear" and packed him right back up in his box and put him away. For a few short moments, all was right with the world. Peace on Earth, that sort of thing. I can't be sure, but I may have heard angels singing.

The next day, the little ones notice that the elf has "moved". After tens of seconds of searching, the kids excitedly ask "Where's the Elf? Where's the Elf?"
"He's gone."
"Did you throw him away?"
"Did you take him to Savers?"
"Where is the elf, Daddy? ...REALLY?"
"The Elf went back up to the attic kids. He's tired of your bullshit. Merry Christmas."